To Be Yourself or Not To Be...

Lately I've been catching a lot of heat for the way I am. I speak my mind and don't really care who thinks what of it unless I'm actually offending you (which I rarely do). I'm very animated when I talk, meaning I'll get passionate about an issue that is being discussed rather quickly and because of it may come across as angry. This is false of course. I don't get upset over stupid trivial matters.

However I will get upset if you try to tell me something about myself, especially if I know it isn't true.

We go through our whole lives with people feeding us this spiel about "being ourselves", but that's all bullshit. Society doesn't want you to be original, they want you to be just like everyone else to stay within their lines of social acceptance so you can grow up to have a mortgage that will take 80 years to pay and by the you'll be dead and have lost everything you've worked for.

Hell I say, Fuck it! I'm gonna just be me, and realistically if you don't like it, there are 8 billion people in the world to be friends with, cause I sure as hell don't need someone who will criticize my eating, sleeping, working, or fucking habits. My years of being told what to do and how to act ended the day I moved out of my mother's house thank you very much!

Smooches XOXO

The Prettiest People.....Do the Ugliest Things.

Ever notice how "beautiful" people act like they're shit doesn't stink, or like they don't bleed once a month like the rest of us. One day that beauty will fade, and all you'll be left with is the regret of how you made people feel.

I must say, I find it both fascinating and sad that certain people who deem themselves "blessed" with good looks, physique, etc have the most despicable persona's I have ever seen. I've been in the presence of people from all walks of life, from the homeless, the poor, the rich, the beautiful, the nerds, the bullies, the drug dealers etc. The one thing i noticed is what drives us all is LOVE.
I know what your thinking, geez give it a rest with the love bit already. Just think about it for a minute. The love of money is what drives the rich, the drug dealers, politics. The love of beauty and vanity drives the beautiful. The love of power drives bullies, the love of knowledge drives nerds, and while we may not see it, the love of life is what keeps those in conditions deemed unimaginable such as the poverty stricken....alive!.

See love easily confuses us because it's always fluctuating between illusion and substance, between memory and wish, between contentment and need. Leaving us with a false sense of what love really is. We don't love ourselves enough because we don't look like "her", or we don't have what "he" has, leaving us with a greed so intense we would do anything.....anything...to full fill it. We would degrade ourselves, sell our beliefs and values, stepping on any and everyone to get to the top, ignoring that age old saying "what goes around comes around". Until we get so high up with the gas in our heads that we forget how to treat each other. waging personal wars against the very one's we should be working with....all for a little bit of Power.

Now don't get me wrong, I pray for the success of all those around me, and that my people that work hard will one day get to that point where they are happy with the life they've made for themselves. However if you're going to go through life treating people as though they owe you something because you're thinner than they are, or further in your career than they, its time to take a look into the mirror and get to know the beast that will be staring back. Simply put, we are our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we sometimes have to rescue ourselves from our self.

To kill....or not to kill.

So I've been gone for a minute but I'm back with a thought that has been floating across my mind. Men have always measured masculinity by the size of their fists instead of the size of their hearts and this has obviously left us in a shitty position both politically and emotionally. Riot after riot in Europe, wasting money on war metals and none on the war against poverty, and the people like you and me are forced to turn our heads away because....there really isn't shit we can do about it. I mean I'm just one person, and you are just one person, so how do we defeat the government without becoming the enemy?

Martin Luther King Jr once said "Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have chosen to guide missiles and misguide men".

We've been campaigned against, and bamboozled into believing that force is the only way. That the only way to avoid poverty for our own country is to take everything that the other countries need so we're never without. Where has that left us, with bailouts taking everything our generation has worked for; homes, mortgages, pensions leaving us with nothing but the will that says go on. Forced to find away to feed ourselves, we turn to unemployment insurance and welfare only to find the very social program we've paid into our entire working life, has been designed to keep us so far down we may never find the strength to get up. How does one go from Managing a food distribution company to begging for food in the same decade? What choice do we have left, but to turn to the street to make money the easiest way we know how, drugs and prostitution. Fuck self respect, I'm trying to live and find my way out of hell, cause I'm surely living it.

Do you really want to know what I'd say to Satan if I ever met this ruler of the underworld? I'd say, Congratulations, you won! God has tried for years to get man to work together for the greater good and has failed over and over, yet you have managed to unite them under the false pretense that war can bring peace.

Kudos

6 week Detox--->Think I can do it?

Now I know I've been away for awhile....OK since summer but I'm back.
Ive decided to put myself through a 6 week detox from Mary Jane.

Those of you who are familiar with me understand my addiction, and I say addiction now and not then because then I was not but now I am get it?

Just Jivin'! Truth is unlike those naive people in the world who believe they have control over every single detail in their lives..understand the truth. Sometime you do things and enjoy them so much that you continue to do them, thereby forming an addiction. I do not like anything or anything other than the lord almighty to have control of me, so I'm kicking this habit.

To all my smoker friends: I in now way judge you or posess any negativity towards smoking weed, on the contrary, I believe it has allowed me to move on from other areas of my life (such as relationships,) where I was too blind to see, not that weed made me see, but it sure as hell made me care less about him and his drama. I just feel that I'm in a stage in my life where I have a lot of big decisions to make and weed cannot be an influencing factor.

*This will not be easy, in fact it may be painful to watch or listen to if you have the pleasure of speaking with me on the phone.

* I have no idea how I'm going to get through this.

*This is not a joke, I'm seriously addicted.

As of right now it is 9am, and I have officially started my 6 weeks stint. I normally smoke a J in the morning, as a sign to all the subway takers that I do not feel the need to acknowledge them, however this morning sadly I noticed all 900 of them in their Canada goose and UGGs.

I'm not feeling mad or depressed yet, honestly I don't think reality has set in just about yet.
I guess the biggest challenge will be going home and hiding the rest of it until the six weeks is over.

Catch y'all on the flip side....YA DIG!

Xmen lesson #23..Shape shifting!......Shift your lives for the better!

Now I know you've all seen the movie, even the ones who don't enjoy movies (losers) have seen or at least had a friend tell you all the good parts. I personally love the Xmen trilogy for the simple fact that they have the most amazing powers of all the "super hero" movies I've seen, and it's spread out among the cast, so if your like me and get tired of watching a whole movies about one person (e.g Superman), you have a whole school of mutants, waiting to show you what you can do. Now the main man is of course "Charles Xavier" the co-founder of the school, and his goal was to teach the mutants to control their powers! Now we may not have powers, but we could learn a thing or two from his motives.

Lesson #1. We've all heard of the secret, and it's not a joke! as you go back in time you'll find people have been trying to explain these laws of the universe to us in lamens terms, and most of us are just to stubborn to realize it. Examples of this would be, "what goes around comes around", "do unto others as you would have done unto you", I could find a zillion examples, but I'm sure you get the drift. It's honestly that simple, if you wake up pissed, and give everyone your pissed off attitude, you will only attract more piss (get it lol)!, The same goes for attracting other people's negative energy, if you hear someone complaining about something, and your sitting there agreeing with them, and even giving them more discouraging advice, guess who's gonna be the next one complaining".

Lesson #2. Stop complaining, and start saying "THANK YOU". Whether you believe in God, or Allah, or don't believe in anything at all, you have to believe that someone or something is responsible for your being here on earth (not just your parents), and if that person, god or thing can make you, you better believe it can break you!

Lesson #3. Visualize!, have you ever seen something so close you could touch it, even feel the joy of it, but your not even there yet. A good example of this would be putting in overtime at work, you know it's hard work , and it's tedious, but oh the joy you feel when you think of all the money you'll have to spend, that vacation you've been waiting for, or my personal favorite .....a new pair of shoes! You basically know it's yours before you even buy it, and the same should be applied to your life. Visualize that car, house, dog or cat, kids, and even husband and wife, and somehow it will come to you. Hell I don't even know how I made it this far on my own, but I know it's not the end, cause I can "VISUALIZE" more ahead of me!

Lesson #4. When in doubt SHAPE SHIFT YOUR MENTALITY! The minute you feel yourself feeling down about something, you need to immediately change that thought, because it will attract more bad thoughts almost immediately. Have you ever been late for work, and your like awww not again, and then the metro stops, and your like what else can go wrong, then you get outside and it's raining?! Ummmm hmmmm, that's what I'm talking about, change your thoughts. If I'm running late, I say " Well at least I look good today" lol! Another tactic I have, is I make a "Shift list", this is a list of all the things that make me smile so hard, I know it will immediately transform my mood. Examples of things on my shift lists are, watching a commercial Pookie made on my camera (It's hilarious), or watch a comedy video. These things work! not everything will work for each mood, so if one thing on your list doesn't work, move on to the next.

I'll leave you with these kind parting words:
1. The best things in life aren't things.
2.Most of the things we worry about, never happen
3. Work hard, and be nice to people
4. Be happy for this moment, for this is your life.
5. Trust yourself
6. Life isn't about finding yourself, It's about CREATING yourself!
7.No one is going to love you if you don't love yourself...period!
8. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
9. Remember that the end of one thing, can also be the start of something better!

and last but not least.

10. Tie your shoes, pack a lunch, and remember that we're all in this together!

Runaway Love

Have you ever felt like going ...no running (as fast as you can), to a place no one can find you? Free from all the judgmental people in the world constantly evaluating your progress vs their own. Somewhere where you can be the real person you want to be. Let's be honest, even the realest of us all, sometimes have to fake it. You can't just walk through life screaming "Fuck you" to every person who has ever made you feel bad about yourself or gives off a negative vibe. I feel that everyone should adopt the personality of Gemini's. Yea yea, everyone says we're two faced, but have you ever met a Gemini that has tried to deny the fact that they do have two personalities.

I love my personalities! I haven't named both of them, but if I had to one would be Chanelle (My actual name,) and the other would be Leah (My middle name). Chanelle is the one that is wreck less and rebellious, super social butterfly, changes her mind more often than not, and is constantly searching for excitement. Leah is the stable, responsible side, ambitious, and eager for love and a family. How on earth I balance the two I'll never know.

For example Chanelle has (at least 3 times), ran away from home, and even fled the country, eager to leave and experience something new, meet new people, (why she believed you could just pick up and move to a new country with no planning I'll never know). It wasn't disastrous per say, I loved the journey, but I'm right back where I started so I guess that mission failed. Every so often Leah will come with her level handedness when a guy of interest pops up, then here comes Chanelle looking for ways to interfere. There is no reasoning with Chanelle whatsoever, when she's pissed, she is PISSED, and can hold a grudge for days,. Leah will often in situations like this, try to apologize if necessary, but Chanelle is so convincing!

Leah is so compassionate and caring, loves all kids, and is so desperate to find a way to change the world, even if it's only by helping one child, or one person. I'll never forget the time she had a conversation with a homeless man at 3am waiting for the night bus after an evening with friends. (Let us disregard the fact that she was completely wasted, and no, she was not interested in sleeping with the homeless man) he simply seemed like he needed someone to talk to. Another time she listened to another stranger who found her attractive, while she clearly stated she had no interest in this man, he asked her if he could just get something off of his chest. This man talked about how he believed the devil was out to get him, and how he was on his way to his stripper girlfriends house, and the reason he was taking the metro was because he had crashed his car the week before and almost killed his stripper girlfriend ramming into a wall near the lachine canal. He admitted he was drunk and driving with his sunglasses on, but the devil kept telling him to go faster. By the time he was done with his story, the man was crying. (If this were Chanelle listening she would have told him get to steppin!), But Leah told him, this was a test from god, and now that he must use his feet as his sole means of transportation, he may as well follow in God's footsteps when he is need of direction. There is no GPS to heaven.

Needless to say the man gave her his number and Leah promised to call, but Chanelle never did. I find i interesting to see the battle between these two, and I strongly believe Leah will be the one to come out on top. I love Chanelle for her spontaneity and exciting nature, so open-minded, and fearless, with a walk that could make a mime scream!, and Leah for her level headed personality, common sense, and drive that has kept them both alive. While I struggle trying to balance the two, I can't help but wonder if it's possible that neither can truly live while the other survives.

The "L" word

As a child, the faintest memory I have is of my father telling me he loved me. He was never around due to "unforeseen circumstances" but he always managed to find a way to let me know. My mother on the other hand was the opposite, her love was proven in her actions, providing for us , and I guess being the mother and father, so in her mind she didn't have to say it, because we should have already known how she felt. This being said, I have always associated the word love with happiness and unconditional joy. This beautiful meaning soon went out the window.

When I began high school and had my first boyfriend, (which lasted nothing short of a week), he was telling me he loved me before he sealed the deal, then pretty much every other boyfriend throughout high school said the same thing. In my mind, how can you love someone you don't even know. I mean, yes it is possible to love "things" about people, but does this really give you the right to use the "L" word. Funny person I am, I never said it back, I couldn't care less if they screwed up their faces or hung up on me, No way was I going to just throw the word around.

The first time I said I love you, something told me I made a huge mistake. Not that I didn't love the guy, he ended up being my first and all that jazz, but It felt like I was saying it because I had to, we were together over a year, and did the deed, so why not seal the deal with the word right? wrong!
When it came time to prove it (difficult times), I pretty much just up and walked. I was like nope, I don't have to deal with this, let's just be friends.

This was my first lesson!, You can NEVER be "just friends" with someone you really love in that way. I learned that in my last relationship. I actually believe that I did love this guy. We lived together, both made mistakes, and time and time both forgave each other, by the time we decided to do right by each other, we were exhausted, and just didn't want to anymore. We said be friends, but you feel a certain, obligation after having slept with someone....am I right? I mean it's so easy to have sex one more time....for the last time. You both start to see other people, and our jealous, but for what, you don't want each other anymore.! and this alone starts up another huge fuss, and in the end I personally feel it isn't worth it.

The "L" word complicates things, and I'll be damned If I add more complications to my life. When I Love, I love hard and strong. Faithfully and unconditionally, and I expect no less. How can you say you love someone, but can't express emotion and affection. I'm talking PDA, hugs and kisses, and not acting hard in front of your boys, or your family. Love is patient, when she's having a rough day, and kind when it's that time of the patient. Unselfish, what's yours is hers, but not blind, to see when your getting played.

Love and Let Love my brotha's, I have faith in you all!

"You can't tell a woman you love her are you stupid? Words don't express your love you gotta prove it"-Papoose